Motherhood & Identity: You Are More Than a Mom

EP 28 Motherhood & Identity: You Are More Than a Mom

Episode links

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0aPfz2AxylukSlVD7VXCwT?si=Nar9hHusQc-ZzONPQ8ZMWg

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/motherhood-identity-you-are-more-than-a-mom/id1787931450?i=1000724541212

Keywords

motherhood, identity, personal development, self-discovery, parenting challenges, motherhood journey, personal growth, family life, self-care, motherhood transformation

Summary

In this episode of the Little Mama That Could podcast, Mikaela and Kirsten discuss the challenges and joys of motherhood, exploring how their identities have evolved since becoming mothers. They share personal stories about their experiences, the importance of self-discovery, and the need to reinvent themselves as their children grow. The conversation emphasizes the beauty found in the mundane aspects of parenting and encourages listeners to embrace their journeys, reminding them that they are not alone in their struggles.

Takeaways

Motherhood can lead to feelings of loss regarding one's identity.

It's common to feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of parenting.

Personal development is crucial for mothers to maintain their sense of self.

Reinventing oneself is a continuous process in motherhood.

Finding joy in mundane tasks is essential for a fulfilling parenting experience.

Children learn from their parents' actions and attitudes.

It's important to set personal goals outside of motherhood.

Mourning the past life is a natural part of the transition into motherhood.

Embracing change can lead to personal growth and fulfillment.

Support from fellow mothers can make a significant difference.

Sound bites

"I just want to window shop."

"You're never gonna be the same."

"You guys are the best."

Chapters

00:00 Mom Life Updates: Challenges and Triumphs

06:08 Navigating Motherhood and Identity

11:52 Reinventing Ourselves as Mothers

19:40 Finding Joy in the Mundane

25:29 Embracing Growth Through Motherhood

Episode Transcript

Hi, welcome to the Little Mama That Could podcast where we have real life talks about all things motherhood, mental health, marriage, lifestyle and everything in between.We're your hosts, Kirsten and Michaela, and we've been lifelong.Friends, enemies turn to besties.

Married a set of brothers.And are now sister in law's doing motherhood together if you're looking.For a community of scrunchy moms who are trugging along, you're in the right place.Welcome back to the Little Mama that could podcast.

Today we're going to be talking a little bit about motherhood and identity, but before we jump into that, we're going to do our little Mama update.Okay, my little Mama update is actually kind of unfortunate.My son got hand foot in mouth my 3 year.

Old, old man.And here's the thing about him having hand, foot and mouth is that he is the kid that gets into everything.He touches everything.He puts his fingers in his mouth and just rubs it all over stuff.

And he was so needy and he wanted to snuggle and he just wanted to touch everything and everyone on their faces and everything.And we're all just kind of literally grossed out by it.I would say he had a fairly more severe case of hand, foot, mouth.

It was it was on his hands, it was in his mouth, it was on his feet, but it started to travel up his legs and his hand and his arms and it was on his butt.Honestly, he looked a mess.And that's the worst.It was the first couple days he had like a low grade fever and he just was like that malaise, just not feeling good.

You could tell he just wasn't feeling very cheerful.But he is feeling better now thankfully.But man, I just feel like I need to just drop a bomb in my house to disinfect it with his fingers.

I'm just grossed out by it all.I'm not the most bothered.Everybody else seems more bothered, which has made me feel more bothered by it.I don't know if you can relate to that, where it's like, yeah, I'm the mom just handling the ish that's going on in the house.It's whatever.

But it's everybody else when they're involved or they're grossed out or they make the comments or things like that where I'm like, oh, this is driving me crazy now, you know?So I feel bad because a.Lot.It's like hyping up your irritation because they're irritated or bothered by it and you're like, I can't do anything about it, but now I'm bothered because you're bothered and I don't want us to be bothered or even be dealing with this bothered.

And I feel really bad because he got all these little blister bumps and they were like like little bubble blisters all over his hands and in his knuckles.Or boy.And so I know that those were really uncomfortable.He couldn't even really eat for a few days because he had some really bad mouth sores, like on his tongue and stuff.

And so, yeah, it was a unfortunate part of the start of the school year, I would say, because he got it.He came down with it pretty much the day after Henry started school.And so of course, I was like, oh, OK, I guess we'll start our routines really after you're done being sick, and then we'll figure it out from there.

So anyways, well, you you.Kind of got a soft start yes, a soft start with your normal life and having to take it easy for a few more days on your end.Well, my little Mama update is a little less exciting in a good way.

I am not dealing with what you're going through, but I did get a new to me printer.I bought a printer off of marketplace that prints in color, it's copier.It has just like a lot of cool features.And today actually, I got my my OK.

You adult over here.No, I am excited.There's so many things that I've wanted to print out, especially in color, but I've only had a black and white printer.But because my computer is newer and, you know, updated software, it actually doesn't support the other printer.

So I saw an opportunity and I left on it and I'm excited to actually use it now that I have everything in.Like I feel like this is going to be game changing for me as an adult honestly.I actually don't blame me for feeling that way.

I wish our printer was a color printer because I'm always happy to send things to coffee corner to print if I really want them printed so.Yeah.It's such an adult thing to say though.I just, we just have to acknowledge the fact that this is such an adulty like, oh I'm so glad I got a printer.

It's cute.I know like what?At Christmas I got a vacuum and I was so excited.OK, could you imagine telling your like 16 year old self that one day you're going to be jumping for the moon because you got a vacuum cleaner or because you got a printer or OK, what about when we were kids and we had to go to the store with our parents and they would window shop for hours and you would just want to be done?

Like this is so boring.Why are we here?This is the worst.And then now as an adult, I'm like.And now look at us, just pole flesh adults who love window shopping.I just want to look at all the things.Costco, Yeah.

And also just know I can't buy all the things 'cause we don't got no money for that.I know also I realized my kids, they kind of complain about window shopping, but they just think we're made of money.They want us to go down all the aisles and they want us to look at all the things and they want to buy them.

And they ask can we have that?Can we have that?Can you get that for me for my birthday?Or why don't we have that?And I'm like, I just want to say to them like, 'cause we broke, bruh.Like why do you think we don't have that?I'm just kidding.But anyways.I know it's hard for them to understand because to them they're like, oh mom and dad can do anything.

They are just the best and they can buy whatever they want.And I'm like, no, I can't.Yes.OK, so let's go ahead and jump into today's episode.Today we're going to be talking about motherhood and identity and, and talking a little bit about our identities as women.

That's not just only and solely related to mothers, but how we can continue to grow and move forward and all of that good stuff today.So we're kind of going to reflect a little bit on our early years of motherhood and how it affected us.

And I'll, I'll go first.So when I first got married and found out I was pregnant, I was just checking all these boxes off.Not like as in I had a running list of things I needed to check off so I could be successful in my life.

But I just knew growing up that I wanted to get married.I wanted to get my license for cosmetology.I knew I wanted to have kids.And I remember after I had Kennedy, maybe it was around.Yeah, it's probably about after I had Kennedy.

And it was about 6 months into that.I remember thinking, Dang, I have accomplished literally everything on my bucket list of to do's in my life.I don't know what else there is for me now.

And I remember kind of thinking like, is this it is this like my whole life now I'm just I've got married and I've had kids and now I just endure to the end.Is that my life now?And so I remember kind of being having this conversation with my husband and asking him like, what do I do?

You know, I should come up with some new goals and I should move forward with like, I don't know how to move forward really.And so I remember that was really kind of where I started to really dive into personal development more because I'm like, well, I guess I have to keep growing.

Like this seems to be the next, the next step.What are your your thoughts on that, Kirsten?Well, I feel like it's hard because my and my girls will still ask me this.They'll say, mom, what did you want to be when you grew up?And I always tell them I wanted to be a mom.

And so with what you're saying, it sounds like very similar, like you wanted to be a mom and then here you are.You've accomplished the things that you set out.And then it's kind of like, OK, now what?Like I check mark, I've had the kids check mark.I, you know, finished my a cosmetology license check mark, I'm married.

OK, but now what?Like how do you feel like that was once you hit that point of you did all the things that you planned and then what was your thought process on the self development?Like what kind of kick started that for you and what were there any specific areas that you dived into with that or like tell me more of your thoughts behind all of that.

I got married young and you did too.So you can probably relate to this, but getting married young, I, I think I grew together with my husband and just kind of, I thought our lives are now combined.You kind of can lose yourself in feeling like you're maybe not such an individual anymore because when you're a teenager, it's just kind of your life.

You just do what you're doing.It's kind of a me, me, me as a teenager.Like, let's be so for real right now.Like as a teenager, it's true.You're just living kind of for yourself.And so when you get married, you're no longer living just solely for yourself anymore.

And when you have kids and every kid after, you're not living just for yourself.And so I think there was this adjustment period where I'm like, what is left for me and what can I even do as a mom?Like I'm a new mom.

I didn't know that.I mean, I all I had was what I grew up watching.My mom did work a little bit growing up.She cleaned houses for a living.And then when we were all in high school, like, well, when I was in high school and Josh was graduating and then the kids below me, she went back to school.

And so that was like my experience of watching what my mom was she, she was a homemaker, the best bread maker there was always happy.She was the yummiest little at home, like after school snacks.And, and I just never questioned what that was like for her on her end.

In fact, I kind of should ask her like what did, what prompted her these thoughts or anything like that or what, how she went through it because I am kind of curious to think about that.But I just remember kind of thinking, OK, well, where can I move forward?So I, I feel like that was about the time frame I dove more into working out.

That was something I already kind of enjoyed doing.I was fairly athletic as a, as a kid.I liked running when I was a little kid in, in elementary and then in middle school I played volleyball and basketball.And then in high school, I played volleyball and.And so I continued working out, but I also just knew that that was something I kind of enjoyed.

So me and Kirsten would go to the gym every day and kind of bop along, not knowing really what we were doing or how to do it, just that we were going to move our bodies and work out.And that was kind of probably like the first step for me of kind of finding something that I enjoy doing.

Yeah, I, I have more to say on this, but I want to hear like, how was that for you?Like what point did you reach?A point where you're wondering, OK, who am I and where am I at in my life and what do I want for myself?I feel like I kind of hit that point after I had Adeline, my second baby.

And I remember at this point we were already going to the gym, working out.And like, I do feel like there were things that we were doing to take care of ourselves to, in a sense, still remain ourselves even though we had this new role of mom.

And yeah, so I mean, that probably was about three years into my motherhood journey.And I just remember mourning my old life.Like, and I know it's going to be like, really sound sad, but like, I did I, I mourned that I used to just get in the car and I could go wherever I wanted.

I didn't have to unbuckle anyone and I, I mourned the fact that I like couldn't or I'm sorry, I wouldn't just go do whatever I wanted to because I was at home at certain times to make sure I could feed my kids and take care of them and make sure nap time was happening.

And I would just remember this almost like empty feeling of like what you had mentioned.Oh, I did all of these check mark things that I always wanted growing up and now what?Like I've I've reached the stars and like now what?

So I feel like something that I was able to find that has always been a part of me is that I'm an entrepreneur.I am a very business and goal driven person.And for me, I was able to have an outlet through photography.

I've always been someone who's like loved earning money.I'm talking like from the age of three years old, I was doing my older siblings laundry earning, you know, a quarter or $0.50 or something.And I would climb into the, the washing machine and I'd hand it to my brother who was younger than me and I'd have him put it in the dryer.

And so like at my core, that is who I am.I'm someone who loves to be able to provide in some way for either myself or our family.And so I definitely kind of threw myself into photography because I felt like that was a way for me to set all of my whims and woes aside and focus on someone else for a little bit and throw creativity into that.

And like, I don't think I would have become a photographer or been as passionate or quick to learn had I not had kids.Like because I had kids, I really had to make my time away from them worth it. 100% And it's so funny.

I just want to add in there, I was one of your customers when you were making jewelry and I remember coming to your house one day and you're like, I made these and I'm selling them door to door.I'm like, oh, did anybody buy any?And you're like a couple.

And I was like, oh, how much are they?And I just remember being like, OK, I'll buy one.That is so funny.It's just kind of a funny thing.That was actually before we were really good friends at that point.Yeah, I think that was before you and I were friends and.

Yeah, it's a.It's actually like a very ingrained memory in my head, but.That is so funny.I don't remember selling jewelry to you specifically, but I remember it was called Kiki's Jewelry.You know, Kirsten Kiki.And I had like a poster board, the kind that, like folded up.

And what I did was I made earrings out of like, beads and sparkly things.I don't even know what they're called.And I would put them in like the little jewelry bag and then I would staple it onto this board and I would go through and sell it and it had like the price.And so I'd walk up to people's doors and like, open up my.

Not a Girl Scout.You're like, I'm Kirsten, buy my jewelry.It was actually exactly.I remember thinking you were so cool for that.Like, I really thought that was so cool.I'm creative.Oh, I'm flattered.

Yeah, it was awesome.Thank you.But I just want to respond to something that you said when you were talking about.There's times where you kind of mourned your old life and feeling like, man, this is a lot of responsibility.

And I, you know, I think the way that your life went, you got pregnant pretty quickly after getting married, so.Yeah.You kind of just jumped like straight in on marriage and having kids and like, full blown did that.And so, yeah, like three years in, you know, it's one of those things where you're kind of like, well, this just all happened so fast and how do I, you know, navigate all of this?

And, you know, we would stay out late when we were teenagers and.But all of that, I just think about what it was to my core, some of the things that I've enjoyed.And it's always been like beauty related.Most of my teenage years.

And as a kid, I loved doing hair and makeup in high school.I would get my friends ready for school.They'd I'd have a lineup of like 10, five to 10 girls who were like, can you braid my hair before school starts?I'm like, heck yeah, get in line.

And so I feel like I always had doing hair as a bit of an outlet for some of my kind of just a core part about me.But I do remember feeling that that felt semi empty, especially after my dad had passed away.

So when my dad passed away, I honestly felt like my whole world kind of came crashing down.That was actually a point for me in my life where I felt like I was getting lost in who I was and in my identity and what mattered.

And, and so after my dad had passed away, I, I felt like I didn't really know who I was and what was going to be the most important thing for me to focus on.And so I went from growing my Instagram and posting a ton of hair videos and growing my Instagram pretty much from like 3000 to like 30,000 followers in literally like a month and a half to two months of time.

And it just, I lost steam really quick.And I was like, what's the point of all of this?You know, I should be spending all my time with my kids.I should be giving everything to them.What am I doing?Wasting my time, like posting hair videos, trying to teach people how to do these hairstyles.

It just felt really empty.And I remember feeling down about it, like, this isn't all that I am.And so it was from that point that I really dove into more of a journey with my relationship with God and my identity as a daughter of God, because I felt like I was kind of lost in like what that meant for myself and what really mattered.

And that like, OK, if I don't really know who I am, who should I go to for my core source of that information?So I, I turned to God at this was like in 2021 to 2022.And I really, really dove into that and found that there was a lot of joy there.

And that had become like a core part of me was the my identity with my Heavenly Father and my Savior and what that meant.And so it's kind of interesting because from that point, I feel like it's just jumped forward like which has LED us to podcasting.Like there's so many things that kind of led up to this point that kind of makes me laugh.

And I think podcasting has been a part of like something I've always wanted to dive into as a person.And so I just feel like this, there are times when we will have moments in our life, multiple, multiple moments where we are wondering like, what are we doing with our lives?

Like, am I doing anything that's actually that impactful, that special?And then also, am I doing anything that's like fulfilling myself, you know?So anyways, I could go on because that's just a whole tangent.OK I love everything you shared.I feel like motherhood and just life in general.

So whether you're mom or not, we're kind of like phoenixes, like the bird.And I feel like very often like we go through a stage and then at some point like that comes to an end and to an extent that part dies or maybe we let it go.

But then just like a phoenix, we become a new, a new being.And I, I totally agree with how you were saying, like we have to reinvent ourselves.And it's not just like a one time thing.It's not like I was, you know, I got married and then I reinvented myself.

It's something that you're all continually do, especially motherhood, because you might nail down like I'm a great mom to a newborn, but guess what?That baby grows into a toddler and then you have to reinvent yourself to match where your kids are at and where they're going to be.

And then you nail down the toddler thing and then you they move into childhood and then you have other babies.Or maybe you don't have other babies, but you're we're always constantly having to change and re adapt to an extent who you are to fit where you are in life.

And it can sometimes be scary because there are times where the mundane is really hard and we feel like we're not accomplishing anything and like we're changing diapers all day.All we do is cook and clean and clean and cook and we have a never ending list of things that we should be doing but aren't, or laundry that needs to be folded and put away.

And it's through all of those mundane things that create our children's childhood.And through those mundane things, we're building trust with our kids and they know that we're there and that we love them and that they can count on us.

And I feel like it's sometimes just really hard to remember that.And sorry, I'm just really emotional with my kids being back in school because, and I'll share this, this is kind of off, but something that's been going through my head that I feel like people can maybe relate to is I feel like I am kind of like a cleaning robot where I'm always doing the same chores and, you know, sweeping the floors or vacuuming again and again.

And you know, people always say, oh, you're going to miss their fingerprints, you're going to miss their messes.And I have felt like up until this point, I'm like, how can I miss doing 20 loads of laundry in a week?

How can I miss wiping a butt when I'm in the middle of eating?Like how am I ever gonna miss that?But now that my kids are in school and they're gone and the house isn't as messy and it's not as loud and chaotic and I'm enjoying that.

But it's also just sad because all the sudden I feel like those words are ringing true of the fact that I, I do kind of miss the mess is because that means that, you know, they're home with me.So I don't know where it's going with that.

But you know, it's those little things that we will actually at some point miss doing or we'll be able to actually appreciate the hard work that we did put in, even though it was hard and maybe a little annoying.But like, that's proof that you are a living, breathing human being taking care of your cutie kid or kids, and that they're having an amazing childhood.

That was so beautiful and you got me in my feels.I think what is so amazing about motherhood is the transformation that does take place.And I just was the whole time you're talking, I was just thinking about there's times in my life like when I was in the thick, like really thick moments and I'm in them still at some days, like depending on the day, but like those moments where it feels like you're kind of drowning in it and like, am I ever going to like get out of this?

Am I ever going to like, climb out from the loads of laundry, the sick days, the diaper changes, the crying and the temper tantrums that feel like those are never ending?Am I literally, ever literally going to step away from that time?

And how will I actually miss it?And I think as amazing as it is to watch our children grow during all that, we are by default literally growing.

You can't not grow if you're a good mother, which you are.I know if you're listening to this podcast, I literally know that you're a good mom.Like, I know you would not be taking time out of your day to listen to this podcast if you weren't like trying to improve yourself in some way as a mother.

And you cared and valued those things 'cause I know that the people that are listening also value families and children and, and find them important.And I just think that if you are in a season right now where you're drowning and you feel like, wow, Oh my gosh, I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I just don't know who I am right now.I don't know, like if I'm going to ever be the same.And I'm going to tell you right now, you're never going to be the same.But what's really freaking amazing about the fact that you're never going to be the same is that you're going to be 10 times better than you could have ever imagined.

Even on the days when you feel like you're at your lowest and you feel like you're failing as a mother, you are growing, you are changing, you are becoming.These hard experiences are there for a reason.And I want to encourage you to just take a moment today, maybe in your journal, if you have a journal around, maybe in your phone and just make a note and just write some things about maybe some goals that you have.

And, and don't try to swallow the whole list of goals.OK, Don't do that to yourself.Don't look at all the things that you're not doing and then shame yourself for it.But just remind yourself that you are you and your whole.Take some time for yourself.Do something for yourself today that reminds you that you have an identity outside of motherhood, but that also in your motherhood life that you are creating.

And I love like what Kirsten was saying, just you are creating these children's entire childhood and they're going to either look back at them with fondness or they're going to look at their mom and think, man, she's so stressed out all the time, which is me.I feel like I'm speaking to myself.

I have to constantly remind myself to not spend all my time being stressed and not spend all my time rushing around from one thing to the next or scrolling on my phone or any slew of things.But my I, I was just, I have one other thought and I'm just going to share this, but my daughter also knows I have a podcast.

My kids don't have a podcast.We've listened to it a couple times in the car, 'cause they think it's kind of cool and they actually really respect the times that I'm podcasting.My older ones, some of my younger ones, they can't.They don't know what they're doing.But my older ones are.

They think it's so cool.And I've watched them do things like Kennedy will take my phone and pretend like she's podcasting.And I think.It's so cute.Cute and it's so cool that like our kids are watching us and they're learning from us every day and there's so much specialness in motherhood.

And so I just want to leave that with you guys and just know that if you're in the thick of it, you are 100 million percent not alone in that.And you can hit me up.You can message us on our socials at Little Mama that could.And we are happy to listen and talk and be there for you guys.

And we love you guys and we're grateful for you guys for listening in and just know that we're here for you and we love you.We do.You guys are the best and if you made it this far, like we really appreciate you guys and like we see every single listen and we know that there's a real person behind that and you guys are the reason why we keep doing what we're doing.

Just you guys are the best.Have a great week.Thank you for listening to today's episode.If you like what you heard, leave a review below.

We super appreciate your support.To stay up to date with upcoming podcast episodes and links, follow us on our social media at The Little Mama That Could.